Sí, hablo conmigo misma ¿Y qué? También soy la reina de los chillidos insonoros y de los gritos inaudibles. Ah! y tengo un repertorio de insultos que para si lo quisieran los de Sálvame. ¿Y mi olfato detectivesco? Para que te enteres, tengo nariz de sabueso y soy como la versión Spanish de Sherlock Holmes. Te lo juro por la cruci
Pssssss… Hey…. Be
nice 2014!! I said you must be happy, happy, happy for everyone, para todos, if
you are not a nice year, I will kick your ass, I will take you down.Happy happy New Year!! To all my girlfriends
from Spain, Mexico, The United States of America, Germany, France, the
Netherlands, Russia, Finland, China, Vietnam, Arab Emirates, Colombia, Chile,
Argentina, Venezuela, Peru, from Ireland, El Salvador, Bolivia, Serbia, United
Kingdom….. and of course to all my most friendly princesses: Andrea, María,
Cari, Almudena, Anas, Celina, Gemma, Candela, Pilar, Lupe, Carmen, Sonsoles,
María Jesus, Esther, Barbara, Marisa, Yolanda, Patricia, Martas, Nuria, Leire,
Isolda, Sara, Marías, Chloe, Malena, Vanessa… to my swettest friend Rosita and
my grandma Lupe.
Ok!! Fine!! I also wish to Patrica Lopez the Corniest
one, a Happy New Year, and to the silliest Margaritona and to the my nastiest
Toad brother Nacho and even to the sickening Cuadrado, my fake teacher…..
buffff, no way, I´m not going to wish a happy New Year to the terrible Chang. Because one thingis ok, six are way too many!!
happy, happy. The most
Martha the weird
Yes, I do, I
speak with myself, so what? I´m also the queen of the noiseless screams and the
soundless shouts. Aahh! I have a uncountable collection of insults and swearing
repertoire, which many people from ``Salvame´´ (a Spanish hideous T.V show) would
like to attain. And what about my detective sense?? Furthermore, you should
know, I have a hound nose, a sleuth snout. I´m like the Spanish version of
Sherlock Holmes. I swear!!
on her way to Manhattan
Bye bye girls… and boys (<3 <3 <3) I´m coming
to America ``mañana por la mañana´´, you know, tomorrow morning. And yes!! I´m
going to be in New York City and I´m truly going to chit-chat a lot. I know,
I´m going to come all the way up to the Empire State Building at least six
times and of course, another six times to the Statue of Liberty. I´m also going
to go to Central Park, to the 5th Avenue and Chinatown. Well, maybe
not to Chinatown, I don’t want to find the Chang´s Family there and get in
trouble or get my ass kicked. Am I going to tell you about my trip? No way, I
don’t think so. I will just inform Maria about it, just if she fulfills her
promise and snitches it all first. And what about the rest of you?? Not a
word,``ni una palabra´´, why not? Because I’m tired, bored, exhausted of chit-chatting
about everything, all by myself. Once is ok, six? No way.
Okkk !! Its coming……!!!
promise, I will start telling you all about it, whenever I stop throwing up. My
stomach is still going crazy, bouncing all around. Has anyone heard about
Turbulence? Nooo?? No way? It is like a huge and wild rollercoaster. I was just
so comfortable, so relaxed on my tourist class airplane sit, that one in which
your legs don’t fit. Not like business class, here they don’t even give you a
simple cheese-doodle to cool down your hunger. Also, right next to you, they
can sit (for your own enjoyment) a mammoth, an oversize African elephant, which
doesn’t even let you breath. (but I´ll tell you about it, some other time).
When I finished the three miniature glasses of water that the flight attendant
gave me, I had to guide myself through a tight and frustrating aisle, to what
they called Toilet, a tiny closet, I will say. I was… you know, not feeling
excessively good, when the welcoming flight attendant said (screaming like a
``loca´´):zip on your sit belts; fasten
them quick, we are getting on a turbulence area. Fasten it?? The only thing I could
do was lacing strongly my shoes and of course, that doesn’t help. Damn!! So
there I was, going up and down, left to right, turning around, bouncing and
spinning myself around. So yes! You are right; I couldn’t hold it anymore so I
started puking all over the place, it was like a nasty raining day, I puke for
you, for me and for all my mates. The supposed toilet was covered with it, it
was disgusting. I came out of the bathroom as fast as I could, covered by a
stinking, filthy and creamy soup, when the flight attendant saw me and after a
very long eeeooooooooohh, wrapped me with a kind of diving-suit and took me
straight to my sit, from which I couldn’t move the rest of flight. The funny
part is, that she did say it that way, `` you can´t move from here´´. After
five very long, sticky and smelly hours, we arrived to Madrid, I was a complete
mess, and I still am. Not nice.
Next chapter: A
Seal Walrus destroys my kidney.
Well, maybe not, because my stomach is still making weird noises and it ´s more than distress. Hey, do not think of me as an all day puking princess or whatever you want to call it. The main point is that if we were made to be able to fly, we would have a couple little wings on our back, isn’t it??
And… I´m certainly not going to say a word about the boyfriend thing (<3 <3 <3) why?? Because it is Pri-va-te, a personal thing and besides, other people have boyfriends too and they don’t talk about it.
Alright, I´ll start telling you about my trip to New York, but promise me you will not complain later on. And you more than anyone know that whenever I start talking I cannot stop. I vomited also on the flight coming to New York so I’m just going to skip it. I´m thinking now, maybe the flight attendant was the same one in both flights and that’s why she wrapped me with that repulsive and frustrating diving-suit!! Well, my thought always get on my way.
After a very long, long, long flight, sitting down for uncountable hours, dealing with an oversize German woman behind me, who pushed her legs strappingly against my sit and let me tell you, I still can feel her knees on my back, finally, we arrive to New York, Nueva York, la grán manzana, the Big Apple. Why is it call the Big Apple?? And not the strawberry or the plum. I have to check that out! When they let us out of the plain, I threw myself like a kamikaze, as fast as a Ferrari, in the direction of the Terminal, with a numbed leg because of having it in the same position for about five hours. Hey!! But my grandma was worse; she was twisted like a pretzel. We were going crazy, so excited about going all the way up more than 18 times to the Empire State Building and see Manhattan knowing that there will not be the dim PatriciaLopez… I asked mi padre, my father, my ancestor right away, where are we staying?In what Hotel? My father, Ignacio I the greatest, gave me a weird looked and it was then when I notice that something was very unclear about our trip. He got me again on one of his tricks. I thought he said we were going to stay in an amazing hotel near Central Park, a huge Park that even has a Zoo. My dream of having a king size bed vanished once I heard, that we were going to stay at my father´s cousins house, she live closed to Manhattan, 40 miles away said la Baquero.
Soo.. No hotel, no donuts, no big park and no Empire State. Of course I replied, what??? 40 miles away!!?? That´s not close!! Am I not even going to be able to walk up and down the 5th Avenue before dinner? Not even have breakfast closed to the Empire State? Well, so I´m not going anywhere, I screamed, I sat myself on top of the luggage like I was not going to move ever again. In that instant, my ass munch brother whacked my head from behind. The spiteful toad that my parents called Nacho. My mom tried to continue the hitting game, when a bulldozer size police officer blurt out to mi padre; ``Quick, hurry up´´, it wasjust because we were stopped having a discussion in the middle of the way. But I wasn’t going to move, no way, so they had to carry me attached to my luggage like a limpet. They did take me to Manhattan; I was just going to stop breathing because of the torture of being in New York and having to stay far away from the nice places.
I walked the 5th Avenue up and down, down to up, and again and again, wobbling as I could. We could go to the Empire State because ``la Baquero´´, mi madre, my mother was getting very irritating saying that it was getting late, it was going to get dark, you know, mother´s things. But she did promise, we will visit it any other day. The buildings were, amazingly big, humongous; it seems that they don’t have an end, I shouted to myself, to you and to everyone who wanted to hear me. I got dazed looking up. I look that much to the sky that my head chilled on my back for a couple of days, like one those girls that look at you over the shoulder like they are so special.
Next Chapter: the way to Marina´s home.
To the other
side and beyond
Do you want to know the end of the story? Wait a
second and I´ll tell you right away. I was in Manhattan, happier than a clown,
completely excited, well in my Salsa (a Spanish way of saying that I’m always
that way), with my smashed neck because of looking to the fantastic buildings
all the time, but happy as I always am.In that moment, my frustrating and tedious father decided that it was
time to go to her cousin´s house, because it is not nice to be late, he started
talking about this and that, that she was waiting for us, that we´ll have
dinner with her and we shouldn’t get
there behind schedule… So he stacked us all in his rented car and began driving
north, well, we first had to go to the 42nd street, because Nacho my annoying
brother who is the most repulsive thing ever walks like an old lady and took
him forever to cross three streets, there is people that are not made for
walking around big cities.
My grandma was very tired and with a leg made puree
for having walked up and down every single street with me said,``they are very nice, they are saying hi to
all of us´´. Hello? Isn´t she cute? Everybody
was complaining because of my dad´s exasperating way of driving, slower than a
turtle.I really didn’t comprehend what
they were saying, but you don’t need to be Obama to know that when someone
waves at you with the middle finger out of the car´s window is not a good sign.
Tons of cars passed us from right and
left side of the road. There was even a taxi driver that almost passed us over,
flying like an eagle. My dad began to sweat, my mother´s eyes were shut and
Nacho said nothing at all.I realized
that we were getting very far from the astonishing buildings so I started to
complain and getting very anxious.Why??
I did not come to Nueva York for this! And yes, I started talking to myself,
murmuring carelessly so my dad could hear me; I looked at him like a rabid dog
but he didn’t seem to care.45 minutes later, we were still in Manhattan
and two hours later after crossing an uncountable amount of forests, we arrived
to Ardsley. My Aunt Marina lived there.Couldn’t
she find anything farther´´? I asked when a fatty chick and very smiley woman
hugged me for an endless momento. You
are Martha? Right? I couldn’t even answer when two giant dogs, three cats, two
bunnies and a parrot that followed her everywhere jumped on me. Nacho said,
``come on, you always have to be the center of attention´´, while I had an
outstanding dog licking my ear. I gave him my Ice power look but he didn´t
My Dad´s cousin invited the whole humanity to a
Barbecue that was a great real party. The garden was full, filled by people
including a tall, handsome blond guy, with nearly translucent eyes and a
charming smile. `` Yes I know I have a boyfriend´´, so what? I smiled at him
and he smiled back. Because of the jet lag, I didn’t really pay much attention
to the light blue sky eyes prince. I got full after eating loads of hot dogs, I
lay down and falls sleep on a settee, under a huge and beautiful maple. How do
I know? Because the next day I was still there, made a little ball and with honey
(one of my aunt´s dogs). Yeah! I left my parasite dog, of course I´m talking
about Baby, at home and I get here and got licked by another creature.While I was searching for the last night
hottie from the party, I heard Ignacio the First (mi padre) saying; ``Today we
are all going to the Metropolitan´´. What?? Why??? Ahhh….Hell no!!!! I´m not getting in the subway
Martha on the road
New Chapter: A total Wildlifel.
I choose Brat Pitt, he´s mine,
My stomach? Well… so- so... Not as good
as I would like it to be…. Yeah it is very exciting to think that we still have
Christmas Eve dinner, Christmas Lunch, New Years Eve diner, New Year´s Lunch…Christmas
sweets… I have the turkey still in my system.Buff… It is just endless, food and extra food, and when you think it is
over… a bit more food.
Now that I have time!! And that Santa
didn´t read my letter yet, I would like to say that last Christmas I wanted to
become a princess, but nobody listened to me, yes… very nice… this year I don’t
even want to heard it, I´m not even going to think about it, I don’t want
anything that has to do with princesses, no wands, no crowns, no dress!! What
do I want?? I want Brat Pitt for my own, sharing it´s caring, but not in this
case… I want him now, just
for me. And!! If Santa does not
cover my desires, I will become Jews, and I don’t care about Jolie!!! Angelina?? Can stay at the North
Pole and find there an Elf for herself.